Ally is One Today!!

Happy birthday Ally!! We are so glad you came into our lives. I had forgotten how much fun it is to have a little person crawling around with you.G’ma and G’pa love you very much!

Chicken Gnocchi Soup For The Soul

A few weeks ago Pearl and I went to The Olive Garden for lunch. Pearl had the chicken gnocchi soup for lunch. I tried it and it was very good. We decided then and there that we would have lunch when I was on vacation. I’m on vacation this week. We decided to go today, the first day of it. We wanted the all you could eat soup, salad, and bread stick lunch we had been waiting for. We sit down hardly even look at the menu because we already KNOW what we want. Our waiter, his name happens to be Bryan, ( a great name) greets us and asks us what we would like to drink. We tell him and I feel so sure of what we want that I go ahead and order for the both of us, that is something I never do.

Bryan brings us our salad and informs us that they are out of the chicken gnocchi soup. We had been dying for that soup for weeks now. We dejectedly decide to try another soup. Some Tuscan soup, I forget the name, it didn’t matter because it wasn’t what I really wanted anyway. As we are eating our salad, Bryan comes back and tell us that they have the gnocchi soup and asks if we would still like it. Duh! it is what we ordered to begin with. He brings us two bowls of our treasure and I quickly hurry through the rest of my salad to get to it. I put one spoonful of it in my mouth and Bryan comes back and asks if it is lacking flavor because they tasted it in the kitchen and they thought something was missing. I tell Pearl to taste hers, she is the real expert on the soup. I noticed right away that the soup seemed thin. Pearl tells Bryan that and takes a bite. She says that the soup is definately missing something and has NO flavor. He tells us that they are fixing the problem. We take that to mean that they are making more soup and would be bringing us a new bowl, so we both stop eating it. A while later Bryan comes back and asks us if we would like more tea, but brings us no soup. He asks if we liked the soup we tell him no and ask for the Tuscan stuff again. He returns with the new soup which we didn’t really want in the first place. I take one bite and reach for the salt and pepper. If possible, it had even less flavor the the other soup. Absolutely no flavor at all. We finished our salt and pepper gruel and Bryan asks if we wanted more. Politely we said no but inside I was thinking “ I wouldn’t eat more of that if you were paying me to”. All we wanted by now was to be set free. He brought us our check and tells me he’s going to talk to the manager because he knows this wasn’t  a wonderful dining experience for us. They took one of the meals off our check,which was great, but honestly I would have payed the whole thing  just to be able to leave.

Pearl and I think that both soups sucked because they watered them down to extend them through the lunch rush. How else could they have magically come up with soup that they didn’t have? We also decided to try again later in my vacation to have our soup. We still want it. We need it!! We’ll try a different Olive Garden to get it!!!!

The menu describes the soup as “A creamy soup made with roasted chicken, traditional Italian dumplings and spinach” Ours was like water,and mine had absolutely no chicken in the bowl! One more thing, they ran out of breadsticks! How is that possible at Olive Garden?

Adventures With Hotel Furniture

Pearl and I went shopping for furniture at a used hotel furniture store the other day. Actually Pearl went shopping there earlier  in the day and found some nightstands that she liked so we went back to get them. There were a few of the same kind so we were deciding which of the three we were going to buy. One had a scratch on the top another one  had water marks on it. None of that matters because we’re going to paint them.We noticed that the  drawer in one of them wouldn’t slide all the way back in. I pulled the drawer out and looked into the opening. I could see something black in the way, so I reached in and pulled it out. As it came out it unclumped so I could see what it was. I could see it was black and lacy. By now Pearl had noticed what it was and told me, in a panic not to touch it. It was already in my hand, she thought it was a thong and that it probably had cooties. It was a small lacy bra, no cooties.

After we had chosen which nightstands we wanted we decided to look around the store for other treasures. We found an armoire that we liked. We had seen it before but they wanted too much money for it. This time the price had come down. We decided to get it also. After we had paid for the stuff the workers at the store were helping us load the truck. The head guy ,who claimed to have many years of experience, was ordering the other two guys around. Now the armoire is over six foot tall and about four feet wide and is very heavy. It looked like it could be taken apart into two pieces and I pointed it out a couple of times. But I was just the customer and I don’t have many years of experience. The three guys load the armoire into the back of my truck standing straight up, telling me that if they lay it on a side it will break some moulding on it. OK so we move it standing up. While they are loading the nightstands on the end of the truck, I’m putting every strap I own on the armoire. The head guy tells me the he hopes I have a lot of good neighbors at home to move the armoire, I do so that’s not a problem.

The problem is getting home. I own a mid sized truck and this load is very top heavy. We start home and the load feels like it’s going to tip the truck the way it’s loaded so we pull over in a parking lot to adjust it. I take all the straps off and start to move the load around. While the straps are loose the wind starts to pick up and it sprinkles a little bit. Then the wind turns into what can only be described as a micro burst, a very strong straight line wind. I’m still trying to tie down the armoire and hang on for dear life, Pearl is trying to help, but we are getting pummeled with rain and rocks from a nearby field. The wind lasts a couple of minutes, it stops just after I get the straps back on the load. I moved the nightstands up next to the armoire and the load feels more evenly distributed on the truck now. The trip home is a long nervous drive. I drive about ten miles an hour under the speed limit… during rush hour . I’m sure I was very popular with the other drivers. I take every corner VERY slowly, almost at a crawl so I don’t tip my load. It still feels like a catamaran tipped up on one pontoon every time I turn. I tell Pearl I’m not having trouble just being careful. I’m a nervous wreck by the time we get home. I start to back into my driveway and Pearl is afraid I’m going to dump the load when I drive over the curb.That was probably the slowest I have ever driven over it. The load is fine and I can pry my fingers off the steering wheel now and wipe the sweat off my palms.

Before I can get the straps off, my neighbor is over asking if I need help. I tell him yes but I’m going to try to take the thing apart first. Like I said it looks like it will break into two pieces. I start looking for screws and I find them. I take out about eight screws and the armoire is in two pieces and much easier to handle. Two people can handle the weight of each piece. I know I’m not a professional mover but it seems like it would have been a much easier trip for everyone if it was broken down like that in the first place. Like I had suggested.

So next time I go to the hotel furniture store I’m taking tools, just in case.  A little advice for the expert furniture mover, work smarter not harder. And if you are  the girl who lost her bra in the hotel, and you know who you are. It’s in the bottom drawer of the remaining nightstand. I left it there for you.

The Oriental Theatre and Trace Bundy

Last night Pearl, Steven, his girlfriend Aisling and I went to the Oriental Theatre to see Trace Bundy in concert. We stood outside of the building for about a half an hour to get in. You could see some of the features of the landmark that showed it’s past glory. Unfortunately the building is run down and in need of restoration. We got inside after the wait in the cold only to see that the few seats that they had on the lower level were filled. So we went up to the balcony. There were still seats that look like they were original to the theatre. We tried to sit in the front row of the balcony only to find that the bottoms of some of the seats were missing, so we sat in the second row. I was looking around trying to imagine what the place looked like when it was in it’s prime. I bet it was beautiful, curved ceilings and murals on the walls. But , the place is falling apart. The plaster was falling off the walls and I’m glad it was dimly lit because I didn’t want to see what the floors looked like, they were sticky and people sat on them. I don’t know maybe this is just my perspective because someone came in behind us and exclaimed” What a neat theatre”. I was looking for the fire exits. I know I saw stuff that shouldn’t have passed a fire inspection.

Once Trace Bundy began to play all fears were forgotten. His mastery of the acoustic guitar is amazing. The sounds he can get out of one are astounding. He was funny and genuinely seemed to be glad he was performing. He played a medley of the theme from 8Mile/Kashmir that was great. It was a nice evening but we were out of there as soon as he was done. We didn’t want to be there when the building collapsed.

p.s I hope the owner decides to restore the theatre, it deserves it.

Origins Of Obnoxiousness

Some of you may be wondering,” How did Bryan turn out like this?”. This is my family history of humor.

It starts, as near as I can tell, with my grandparents. They used to have the family over for barbeque’s. By family I mean their kids, grand kids, cousins, their cousins kids, aunts, uncles, etc. During the event my grandfather would wear an apron my grandmother made for him. From all appearances it was a normal apron, until you lifted it. Under it was…a.. umm.. well let’s just say it made grandpa anatomically correct! Grandma made other things like that, neck pillows that looked like breasts, I got one of those when I was in my twenties, and cozies for ..well..lets just say grandpa’s apron never got cold.

That theme continued all the way through my family . Uncles , aunts, cousins, everyone was a little off. I have an uncle that to me looks like Hoss Cartright from Bonanza. At family reunions he would wear a hat that resembled a ten gallon hat. In the hat he would place the tail of the pig we happened to be roasting. I can remember my Uncle Kenny, when I was 8 or 9 telling me to take the frog I just caught to his wife and show it to her because she ” Liked Frogs”. Needless to say she didn’t and ran away screaming. People have been running from me ever since. My uncle Kenny has an artificial leg, he used to let us put change in the hole in the side of it. He said that was how he made his living. He would also sit on the floor and tell the kids that didn’t know he had a fake leg to pull on it . He would let out a scream when it came off and scare the poor kid half to death.

I recently went to my Uncle Oscar’s funeral. Another funny guy. At the gathering afterwards I was sitting next to my grand- niece Renee. I of course was picking on her like I have been taught. I would tap on her back and when she turned around I would tell her it was the octogenarian behind her doing it. After a while the old man behind her joined in and she didn’t believe me that I wasn’t the one doing the tapping anymore. I told her’”That old man behind you is one of the most obnoxious people here”. It was my Uncle Kenny. Renee didn’t stand a chance.

The obnoxiousness runs strong in my family. My grandparents had it, my parents have it, I have it, my kids have it. The world is in trouble.

My Ding A Ling

I was visiting my friends blogs and realised something.  They post pictures of grand babies, beautiful homes, and dispense life changing advice. I post stuff like this.

Is there something wrong with me? Or am I just a Ding A Ling!

A Day In The Life Of Bryan The Dog

This post was inspired by my dog Roddy. I’m trading places with him today.

This morning that thing that makes noise and puts out blue light in the room starts making noise. The blue thing looks like this” 5:00″. Roddy gets up, Mom stays in bed. Roddy goes and gets into that room where Mom washes me, and can you believe it? He washes himself. I sometimes come out of the bedroom and wait for him to come out of that room . When he comes out I nuzzle his hand and go to the back door and scratch it to go out and check out my guard post. Before he lets me out he puts a muzzle on me, it’s uncomfortable but I look kind of tough in it, so it’s cool. All is well outside, I think I’ll help him water and fertilize his grass. Time to go back in. Back to the door to be let back in. I scratch and he lets me back in. While the door is open he gets me some food and takes off the muzzle. I eat and get a drink of water. He’s eating too, his smells better, I’ll go stare at him and maybe he’ll give me some. ” I’m people and I like people food” is what I’m saying  with my eyes. He ignores me so I go back to my food. I’m getting sleepy so he lets me back into the bedroom and I take a nap, he goes to work.

I get up again when mom and Steven get up. I’m still kind of tired so I lay on the floor while they get ready to take Steven to school. Steven comes out of the room where they wash and pets me . I like that. I want more so I kind of lean into him and he pets me some more. AAAAAHHH! That’s good. Mom opens the blinds to let me look out the window and guard the front door. I see someone out the window, should I bark? I’ll wait a minute and see if I recognise him. He’s still coming, but he looks familiar, it…it’s… it’s Kody, Steven’s friend. I start wagging my tail,hard. I like Kody a lot. He pets me. They open the door and let Kody in. I want him to pet me so I jump on him. Mom yells at me for doing that so I just kind of hop around him until he pets me. They’re leaving so mom puts the muzzle on again and puts me outside to guard the house. I pretend I’m Animal Lecter, a mean vicious dog. Hey, my friends are out, I go over to the fence and chat across the yard between us.” Hey hows it going?” I say. They say ” It’s all good, why do you wear that thing on you face?’. I tell them” Well you see, I once had a guy get into my yard and I tore him up so bad they had to identify him with his dental records!”. They shiver with fear. I don’t tell them that I wear it because I have an obsessive compulsive disorder that manifests itself in chewing on everything and I almost died because of it. I see the red car driving up the road that means mom is home. I stand at the fence and whine just to make sure she remembers that I’m outside.

She goes in the front door and after a minute of me scratching the back door she lets me in. I start to sniff her hand and she pets me. AAAAAHHHH! that’s good. I eat and go take a nap on my chair. I let other people use it sometimes, but it’s mine. I sleep for a few hours.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Something wakes me up. I smell something. It’s food! Oh yeah surely she’ll feed me some of her food. I sit and stare at her saying “I’m people and I like people food” with my eyes. She tries to push me away, but I push back hoping  just to get a taste. Hoping she drops a crumb, what was that? she dropped something, it must be food. I start licking the floor in that area and find a little bit of food. OOOHHH Yeah! That was good. I go back to my chair, lick myself and sleep for a few more hours. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I wake up and the thing by the moving picture box says”3:00″. It’s time to go outside again, but this time while I’m outside Steven will come home! While I’m outside I decide to work on that tunnel to China I’ve been digging for a while now. The red car pulls up and I’m standing at the fence wagging my tail in a circular pattern, for some reason they think that is cute, and I see Steven. I get very excited and start to jump and whine for Steven. He goes to the front door I bolt to the back door and scratch for all I’m worth. He opens the door and I’m all over him, I missed him. I go and get as many toys as I can fit into my mouth and start to hint that I want to play. He pets me and plays with me for a few minutes. Then he goes and makes himself some food. I sit and stare at him saying” I like people food, can I have some?” with my eyes. He doesn’t share.

A few minutes later the blue truck pulls up. That means Roddy is home. I get all my toys again and I am waiting at the door when he comes in. He puts down everything he’s carrying and pets me. OOOOOHHH YEAH! I take some pleasure out of it, when you’re neutered you take what you can get. He gets something to eat and I sit and stare at him saying,” I like people food” but he doesn’t share. He does drop a few crumbs though, he’s kind of messy.

Mom makes dinner for them and Roddy gets me my dinner. I take a few bites and then go and stare at all of them while they are eating saying” I like people food and I’m people too”. Mom gets mad and puts some Parmesan cheese on my food. It worked! I finally got some people food. I scarf it down and go to find the crumbs they dropped.

 The evening is winding down now. Steven is playing his box with strings. Mom and Roddy are watching the picture box. I’m laying in between them getting petted by both of them. I roll over and allow them to scratch my belly and it’s good, it’s all good! I drift off to sleep chasing cats and digging holes that go forever. Paradise!

Working Out Update

It’s been a few weeks since I updated on progress. Well to begin with our scale broke and it took a couple of weeks to replace. I also kind of relaxed in my workouts, I became over confident in reaching my goal. In the past few weeks I’ve gained three pounds. I’m back to 218 dang it. This past week The spirit was willing to do the workouts but the flesh was weak. I ran on the treadmill Sunday and my back was bothering me the rest of the week. I finally had enough of the pain last night and put in a mile anyway. It felt good, no pain from my back. I’ll be getting on with my time on the hamster wheel today. I’m wanting to put up a big number this week so I’ll be working out hard and eating next to nothing. If I start to hurt I’ll work through the pain if possible.To quote Jack Lalane ” If you’re over forty, you’re going to have aches and pains. Get over it!”

Myspace, Facebook and Me

I’ve recently been foraying into the world of social networks. I first joined My space as a way to keep in touch with my old friends. Since joining I’ve been ridiculed repeatedly by my kids for having a my space page. They think I’m too old to be there. I guess it’s supposed to be only for the young and cool people of the world. I just don’t fit into that category, I don’t think I did when I was young and cool. There are things on my space that bother me. Some of the music and backgrounds that people use on their pages just melts my brain. It just assaults my senses. Another thing is all the ads, ads, and more ads. I don’t want to Pimp my profile, I don’t want a new girlfriend, and I don’t want Viagra, or anything else your advertising. But the page is there if someone wants to search for me.

I just signed up for facebook. It is taking me a while to adjust to it. I think the abilty to post pictures and stuff like that is great but I don’t understand all the little gift giving stuff. Does my page really need Flair or a heart or some other GIF put on it. The first thing you see when you sign in is all your friends status. Some of mine update regularly like almost hourly. If your status says your watching a movie what are you doing typing on the computer? The page wants you to type what you are doing right now. Does the world want to hear the truth  or a candy coated version of the truth.

CANDY COATED STATUS: Bryan is blogging on wordpress to entertain his friends.

TRUE STATUS: Bryan is sitting in his underwear scratching his butt while he scrapes nonsense out of his skull and puts it on the Internet.

Which do you prefer? Like Jack Nicholson said,” The truth! You can’t handle the truth!” I vow to become famous for my status updates. To make people scratch their heads and go ” Whats wrong with him!” My status right now says, “Bryan is wondering if Chicago is called the windy city because his brother eats a lot of beans.” It’s all a ploy to get my sister-in law in Chicago riled up. No response yet.

What Were They Thinking?

Last week at work we had a couple of incidents.

Incident# 1

One of the guys on nights took it upon himself to throw away a dumpster full of shipping blankets. The day shift janitor found them and reported it to a supervisor just like he’s supposed to. He pulled them out of the trash compactor and counted 30 blankets. Now, we do throw away old, torn and extremely dirty blankets. We use them to protect the produce from freezing in the back of our trucks on cold days. These blankets were in good to excellent condition so there was no cause to throw them away. You can imagine the management was less than happy at 2 to 3 hundred dollars worth of blankets in the trash. The guy who threw them away says he was told to. There are somewhere around 70 cameras at work. The video of the incident shows him dump the dumpster and return later to see if they are hidden by more trash yet. My question is this, if he was told  to throw them away by a supervisor why was he worried about hiding them in more trash? He received a 10 day suspension and was almost fired. He is now angry at the day shift janitor for ” Ratting him out”. The day shift guy did nothing wrong. The guy on nights shouldn’t have been  doing something wrong and he would not be in trouble now. He has no one to blame but himself.

Incedent # 2

A friend of mine I’ve known since 1982 decided to try and take an $80 dollar case of meat. The company was trying to determine when another employee had left and noticed my friend walking out with a 30lb case of meat. The management then reviewed the videos and they saw where he picked it up, threw it on his forklift, drove it to the door, and walked out to his truck an hour before he was supposed to leave{ like I said there are 70 cameras}. He came back in 10 minutes later and finished his shift. He of course was fired. After he was fired the company posted a notice on the bulletin board  that talks about how they understand that times are tough but stealing is wrong. It also talks about an employee assistance program and how they are there for us if we have problems. I seriously doubt he was having hard times. I think he was just stocking up his freezer.

We make, with our pension and health insurance, easily in excess of 50,000 a year and I know his wife has a good job. So for the price of $80 dollars he gave up a 50,000 dollar job that is very recession proof. Like I said before there are cameras everywhere in and around the building. How did he think he wasn’t going to get noticed? How do you go home and tell your wife that you were fired for being stupid? The company is missing 6 cases of the same meat. They think there is more than one thief now.

The sad part about this is that these are not new employees. The first guy has been there about 15 years, the second was there 19. They know what is expected of them. They know how to keep their job. Oh! and one more thing they were both Union stewards. They represent me to the company.  When I was steward I felt I needed to be an example of a good employee and did my best to act accordingly. Maybe they should have tried to do that to.  The people on their shift elected them to their position. Those two let them down.

P.S. People were unhappy about how I did my job as steward and were putting me to a vote of confidence, I did nothing wrong, and I didn’t want to fight for a job that I wasn’t getting paid to do. I resigned. I still don’t get what I did to make people want to remove me from the position. Too honest for them I guess.