Origins Of Obnoxiousness

Some of you may be wondering,” How did Bryan turn out like this?”. This is my family history of humor.

It starts, as near as I can tell, with my grandparents. They used to have the family over for barbeque’s. By family I mean their kids, grand kids, cousins, their cousins kids, aunts, uncles, etc. During the event my grandfather would wear an apron my grandmother made for him. From all appearances it was a normal apron, until you lifted it. Under it was…a.. umm.. well let’s just say it made grandpa anatomically correct! Grandma made other things like that, neck pillows that looked like breasts, I got one of those when I was in my twenties, and cozies for ..well..lets just say grandpa’s apron never got cold.

That theme continued all the way through my family . Uncles , aunts, cousins, everyone was a little off. I have an uncle that to me looks like Hoss Cartright from Bonanza. At family reunions he would wear a hat that resembled a ten gallon hat. In the hat he would place the tail of the pig we happened to be roasting. I can remember my Uncle Kenny, when I was 8 or 9 telling me to take the frog I just caught to his wife and show it to her because she ” Liked Frogs”. Needless to say she didn’t and ran away screaming. People have been running from me ever since. My uncle Kenny has an artificial leg, he used to let us put change in the hole in the side of it. He said that was how he made his living. He would also sit on the floor and tell the kids that didn’t know he had a fake leg to pull on it . He would let out a scream when it came off and scare the poor kid half to death.

I recently went to my Uncle Oscar’s funeral. Another funny guy. At the gathering afterwards I was sitting next to my grand- niece Renee. I of course was picking on her like I have been taught. I would tap on her back and when she turned around I would tell her it was the octogenarian behind her doing it. After a while the old man behind her joined in and she didn’t believe me that I wasn’t the one doing the tapping anymore. I told her'”That old man behind you is one of the most obnoxious people here”. It was my Uncle Kenny. Renee didn’t stand a chance.

The obnoxiousness runs strong in my family. My grandparents had it, my parents have it, I have it, my kids have it. The world is in trouble.