Adventures With Hotel Furniture

Pearl and I went shopping for furniture at a used hotel furniture store the other day. Actually Pearl went shopping there earlier  in the day and found some nightstands that she liked so we went back to get them. There were a few of the same kind so we were deciding which of the three we were going to buy. One had a scratch on the top another one  had water marks on it. None of that matters because we’re going to paint them.We noticed that the  drawer in one of them wouldn’t slide all the way back in. I pulled the drawer out and looked into the opening. I could see something black in the way, so I reached in and pulled it out. As it came out it unclumped so I could see what it was. I could see it was black and lacy. By now Pearl had noticed what it was and told me, in a panic not to touch it. It was already in my hand, she thought it was a thong and that it probably had cooties. It was a small lacy bra, no cooties.

After we had chosen which nightstands we wanted we decided to look around the store for other treasures. We found an armoire that we liked. We had seen it before but they wanted too much money for it. This time the price had come down. We decided to get it also. After we had paid for the stuff the workers at the store were helping us load the truck. The head guy ,who claimed to have many years of experience, was ordering the other two guys around. Now the armoire is over six foot tall and about four feet wide and is very heavy. It looked like it could be taken apart into two pieces and I pointed it out a couple of times. But I was just the customer and I don’t have many years of experience. The three guys load the armoire into the back of my truck standing straight up, telling me that if they lay it on a side it will break some moulding on it. OK so we move it standing up. While they are loading the nightstands on the end of the truck, I’m putting every strap I own on the armoire. The head guy tells me the he hopes I have a lot of good neighbors at home to move the armoire, I do so that’s not a problem.

The problem is getting home. I own a mid sized truck and this load is very top heavy. We start home and the load feels like it’s going to tip the truck the way it’s loaded so we pull over in a parking lot to adjust it. I take all the straps off and start to move the load around. While the straps are loose the wind starts to pick up and it sprinkles a little bit. Then the wind turns into what can only be described as a micro burst, a very strong straight line wind. I’m still trying to tie down the armoire and hang on for dear life, Pearl is trying to help, but we are getting pummeled with rain and rocks from a nearby field. The wind lasts a couple of minutes, it stops just after I get the straps back on the load. I moved the nightstands up next to the armoire and the load feels more evenly distributed on the truck now. The trip home is a long nervous drive. I drive about ten miles an hour under the speed limit… during rush hour . I’m sure I was very popular with the other drivers. I take every corner VERY slowly, almost at a crawl so I don’t tip my load. It still feels like a catamaran tipped up on one pontoon every time I turn. I tell Pearl I’m not having trouble just being careful. I’m a nervous wreck by the time we get home. I start to back into my driveway and Pearl is afraid I’m going to dump the load when I drive over the curb.That was probably the slowest I have ever driven over it. The load is fine and I can pry my fingers off the steering wheel now and wipe the sweat off my palms.

Before I can get the straps off, my neighbor is over asking if I need help. I tell him yes but I’m going to try to take the thing apart first. Like I said it looks like it will break into two pieces. I start looking for screws and I find them. I take out about eight screws and the armoire is in two pieces and much easier to handle. Two people can handle the weight of each piece. I know I’m not a professional mover but it seems like it would have been a much easier trip for everyone if it was broken down like that in the first place. Like I had suggested.

So next time I go to the hotel furniture store I’m taking tools, just in case.  A little advice for the expert furniture mover, work smarter not harder. And if you are  the girl who lost her bra in the hotel, and you know who you are. It’s in the bottom drawer of the remaining nightstand. I left it there for you.

The Oriental Theatre and Trace Bundy

Last night Pearl, Steven, his girlfriend Aisling and I went to the Oriental Theatre to see Trace Bundy in concert. We stood outside of the building for about a half an hour to get in. You could see some of the features of the landmark that showed it’s past glory. Unfortunately the building is run down and in need of restoration. We got inside after the wait in the cold only to see that the few seats that they had on the lower level were filled. So we went up to the balcony. There were still seats that look like they were original to the theatre. We tried to sit in the front row of the balcony only to find that the bottoms of some of the seats were missing, so we sat in the second row. I was looking around trying to imagine what the place looked like when it was in it’s prime. I bet it was beautiful, curved ceilings and murals on the walls. But , the place is falling apart. The plaster was falling off the walls and I’m glad it was dimly lit because I didn’t want to see what the floors looked like, they were sticky and people sat on them. I don’t know maybe this is just my perspective because someone came in behind us and exclaimed” What a neat theatre”. I was looking for the fire exits. I know I saw stuff that shouldn’t have passed a fire inspection.

Once Trace Bundy began to play all fears were forgotten. His mastery of the acoustic guitar is amazing. The sounds he can get out of one are astounding. He was funny and genuinely seemed to be glad he was performing. He played a medley of the theme from 8Mile/Kashmir that was great. It was a nice evening but we were out of there as soon as he was done. We didn’t want to be there when the building collapsed.

p.s I hope the owner decides to restore the theatre, it deserves it.

Origins Of Obnoxiousness

Some of you may be wondering,” How did Bryan turn out like this?”. This is my family history of humor.

It starts, as near as I can tell, with my grandparents. They used to have the family over for barbeque’s. By family I mean their kids, grand kids, cousins, their cousins kids, aunts, uncles, etc. During the event my grandfather would wear an apron my grandmother made for him. From all appearances it was a normal apron, until you lifted it. Under it was…a.. umm.. well let’s just say it made grandpa anatomically correct! Grandma made other things like that, neck pillows that looked like breasts, I got one of those when I was in my twenties, and cozies for ..well..lets just say grandpa’s apron never got cold.

That theme continued all the way through my family . Uncles , aunts, cousins, everyone was a little off. I have an uncle that to me looks like Hoss Cartright from Bonanza. At family reunions he would wear a hat that resembled a ten gallon hat. In the hat he would place the tail of the pig we happened to be roasting. I can remember my Uncle Kenny, when I was 8 or 9 telling me to take the frog I just caught to his wife and show it to her because she ” Liked Frogs”. Needless to say she didn’t and ran away screaming. People have been running from me ever since. My uncle Kenny has an artificial leg, he used to let us put change in the hole in the side of it. He said that was how he made his living. He would also sit on the floor and tell the kids that didn’t know he had a fake leg to pull on it . He would let out a scream when it came off and scare the poor kid half to death.

I recently went to my Uncle Oscar’s funeral. Another funny guy. At the gathering afterwards I was sitting next to my grand- niece Renee. I of course was picking on her like I have been taught. I would tap on her back and when she turned around I would tell her it was the octogenarian behind her doing it. After a while the old man behind her joined in and she didn’t believe me that I wasn’t the one doing the tapping anymore. I told her'”That old man behind you is one of the most obnoxious people here”. It was my Uncle Kenny. Renee didn’t stand a chance.

The obnoxiousness runs strong in my family. My grandparents had it, my parents have it, I have it, my kids have it. The world is in trouble.

My Ding A Ling

I was visiting my friends blogs and realised something.  They post pictures of grand babies, beautiful homes, and dispense life changing advice. I post stuff like this.

Is there something wrong with me? Or am I just a Ding A Ling!

A Day In The Life Of Bryan The Dog

This post was inspired by my dog Roddy. I’m trading places with him today.

This morning that thing that makes noise and puts out blue light in the room starts making noise. The blue thing looks like this” 5:00″. Roddy gets up, Mom stays in bed. Roddy goes and gets into that room where Mom washes me, and can you believe it? He washes himself. I sometimes come out of the bedroom and wait for him to come out of that room . When he comes out I nuzzle his hand and go to the back door and scratch it to go out and check out my guard post. Before he lets me out he puts a muzzle on me, it’s uncomfortable but I look kind of tough in it, so it’s cool. All is well outside, I think I’ll help him water and fertilize his grass. Time to go back in. Back to the door to be let back in. I scratch and he lets me back in. While the door is open he gets me some food and takes off the muzzle. I eat and get a drink of water. He’s eating too, his smells better, I’ll go stare at him and maybe he’ll give me some. ” I’m people and I like people food” is what I’m saying  with my eyes. He ignores me so I go back to my food. I’m getting sleepy so he lets me back into the bedroom and I take a nap, he goes to work.

I get up again when mom and Steven get up. I’m still kind of tired so I lay on the floor while they get ready to take Steven to school. Steven comes out of the room where they wash and pets me . I like that. I want more so I kind of lean into him and he pets me some more. AAAAAHHH! That’s good. Mom opens the blinds to let me look out the window and guard the front door. I see someone out the window, should I bark? I’ll wait a minute and see if I recognise him. He’s still coming, but he looks familiar, it…it’s… it’s Kody, Steven’s friend. I start wagging my tail,hard. I like Kody a lot. He pets me. They open the door and let Kody in. I want him to pet me so I jump on him. Mom yells at me for doing that so I just kind of hop around him until he pets me. They’re leaving so mom puts the muzzle on again and puts me outside to guard the house. I pretend I’m Animal Lecter, a mean vicious dog. Hey, my friends are out, I go over to the fence and chat across the yard between us.” Hey hows it going?” I say. They say ” It’s all good, why do you wear that thing on you face?’. I tell them” Well you see, I once had a guy get into my yard and I tore him up so bad they had to identify him with his dental records!”. They shiver with fear. I don’t tell them that I wear it because I have an obsessive compulsive disorder that manifests itself in chewing on everything and I almost died because of it. I see the red car driving up the road that means mom is home. I stand at the fence and whine just to make sure she remembers that I’m outside.

She goes in the front door and after a minute of me scratching the back door she lets me in. I start to sniff her hand and she pets me. AAAAAHHHH! that’s good. I eat and go take a nap on my chair. I let other people use it sometimes, but it’s mine. I sleep for a few hours.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Something wakes me up. I smell something. It’s food! Oh yeah surely she’ll feed me some of her food. I sit and stare at her saying “I’m people and I like people food” with my eyes. She tries to push me away, but I push back hoping  just to get a taste. Hoping she drops a crumb, what was that? she dropped something, it must be food. I start licking the floor in that area and find a little bit of food. OOOHHH Yeah! That was good. I go back to my chair, lick myself and sleep for a few more hours. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I wake up and the thing by the moving picture box says”3:00″. It’s time to go outside again, but this time while I’m outside Steven will come home! While I’m outside I decide to work on that tunnel to China I’ve been digging for a while now. The red car pulls up and I’m standing at the fence wagging my tail in a circular pattern, for some reason they think that is cute, and I see Steven. I get very excited and start to jump and whine for Steven. He goes to the front door I bolt to the back door and scratch for all I’m worth. He opens the door and I’m all over him, I missed him. I go and get as many toys as I can fit into my mouth and start to hint that I want to play. He pets me and plays with me for a few minutes. Then he goes and makes himself some food. I sit and stare at him saying” I like people food, can I have some?” with my eyes. He doesn’t share.

A few minutes later the blue truck pulls up. That means Roddy is home. I get all my toys again and I am waiting at the door when he comes in. He puts down everything he’s carrying and pets me. OOOOOHHH YEAH! I take some pleasure out of it, when you’re neutered you take what you can get. He gets something to eat and I sit and stare at him saying,” I like people food” but he doesn’t share. He does drop a few crumbs though, he’s kind of messy.

Mom makes dinner for them and Roddy gets me my dinner. I take a few bites and then go and stare at all of them while they are eating saying” I like people food and I’m people too”. Mom gets mad and puts some Parmesan cheese on my food. It worked! I finally got some people food. I scarf it down and go to find the crumbs they dropped.

 The evening is winding down now. Steven is playing his box with strings. Mom and Roddy are watching the picture box. I’m laying in between them getting petted by both of them. I roll over and allow them to scratch my belly and it’s good, it’s all good! I drift off to sleep chasing cats and digging holes that go forever. Paradise!

Myspace, Facebook and Me

I’ve recently been foraying into the world of social networks. I first joined My space as a way to keep in touch with my old friends. Since joining I’ve been ridiculed repeatedly by my kids for having a my space page. They think I’m too old to be there. I guess it’s supposed to be only for the young and cool people of the world. I just don’t fit into that category, I don’t think I did when I was young and cool. There are things on my space that bother me. Some of the music and backgrounds that people use on their pages just melts my brain. It just assaults my senses. Another thing is all the ads, ads, and more ads. I don’t want to Pimp my profile, I don’t want a new girlfriend, and I don’t want Viagra, or anything else your advertising. But the page is there if someone wants to search for me.

I just signed up for facebook. It is taking me a while to adjust to it. I think the abilty to post pictures and stuff like that is great but I don’t understand all the little gift giving stuff. Does my page really need Flair or a heart or some other GIF put on it. The first thing you see when you sign in is all your friends status. Some of mine update regularly like almost hourly. If your status says your watching a movie what are you doing typing on the computer? The page wants you to type what you are doing right now. Does the world want to hear the truth  or a candy coated version of the truth.

CANDY COATED STATUS: Bryan is blogging on wordpress to entertain his friends.

TRUE STATUS: Bryan is sitting in his underwear scratching his butt while he scrapes nonsense out of his skull and puts it on the Internet.

Which do you prefer? Like Jack Nicholson said,” The truth! You can’t handle the truth!” I vow to become famous for my status updates. To make people scratch their heads and go ” Whats wrong with him!” My status right now says, “Bryan is wondering if Chicago is called the windy city because his brother eats a lot of beans.” It’s all a ploy to get my sister-in law in Chicago riled up. No response yet.

It’s MY 100th Post

And the world celebrates. What will they do for number 200?

Windy Windfall

Steven and I were driving in the car last week on one of those REALLY windy days. We were talking and joking around when I saw some money blow by the front of the car. It changed direction and blew straight at us. I couldn’t see the amount, just that it was a rectangle and green. I stopped the car and threw it into reverse to chase the bill down the street. I catch up to it and tell Steven to get out and get the the money. He looks at me like I just told him to do his homework, with his ” Are you kidding look?”. I tell him I’m not kidding and he can have the money if he catches it. He  gets out to chase the bill. By this time the bill has blown under the car and he can’t find it. I’m watching from inside the nice warm and comfortable car, he is outside frantically searching for a piece of currency in what could only be described as  a hurricane without rain. His long, long hair is blowing around in interesting designs, from blowing straight back to wrapping around his face to blowing straight up. That was my favorite. He looks into the car and shrugs his shoulders about to give up, when all of a sudden the bill blows out from under the car. He’s in hot pursuit, all his attention is on the bill. He’s not going to lose it this time. He’s in an all out sprint down the street, watching the bill. We had been sitting in the road for a couple of minutes now and as you can imagine someone else wanted to use the road. Steven was running straight at an oncoming truck. It was now a race of time. What was going to happen first ? Was Steven going to catch the bill? Or was the truck going to make road pizza out of him? Steven wins and catches the bill. He snatches it up like a cheetah pouncing on it’s prey and returns to the car . He gets in and says,” It’s only a dollar”. I tell him,” I didn’t know how big the bill was, I only knew it was money.”  He says” It was totally worth it! I  have  a cool story to tell and you have something to blog about.” He has the dollar bill thumb tacked to his bedroom wall.

Mamma Mia!…Who Told James Bond He Could Sing?

Pearl hurt her knee last week and couldn’t walk well so we decided to rent some movies to kill some time while she rested it. I went and rented The Mummy, Eagle Eye, and Mamma Mia!. I figured I would get her a chick flick thinking ” She’s hurt and can’t move so I should get something she would like. Besides our friends seem to like it.” Well we watched the chick flick and WOW! It was awful.The story was OK, but the incessant barrage of ABBA songs was too much for me. I’ve never been an ABBA fan and having Pierce Brosnan sing them{ He can’t sing} didn’t help.

When I was in high school, I was in a record club.{ For all you kids out there too young to know what a record is , it’s kind of like a CD.For those of you too young for CD’s it’s what we stored music on before IPODs.} I received an ABBA album as a monthly album selection. I didn’t send it back in time and HAD to pay for it. I NEVER opened the plastic on it, and never played it to the day I got rid of my albums. When your favorite groups included Van Halen, Aerosmith, and Boston, the bubblegum sounds of ABBA just didn’t get it done.

Back to the movie, where was I? Did I mention Pierce Brosnan can’t sing? That can’t be said enough. Pierce Brosnan can’t sing! I now know why they never made “James Bond, the Musical”.  After sitting through the movie{ with a few breaks to get something to drink, a snack, regain my sanity, and pull whats left of my hair out}, Pearl tells me that she didn’t like it{ and Pierce Brosnan can’t sing}. I’m relieved.I thought I was the only person on the planet that didn’t like it. During the movie I could feel the testosterone being sucked from my veins. I’m sure I left a puddle of it on the couch.

So to be fair to Pierce Brosnan{ HE CAN’T SING!} I’m going to turn this blog into a musical.{I CAN’T SING! And I know it.} That should make the internet crash and make everyone else forget his , shall we call it, singing.

P.S. Eagle Eye was excellent!! I got my testosterone back!

Wishing You a ” Cheetah-Licious Christmas”

OK, I know I’ve written about bad Christmas music before {click this link Christmas Music}. But I think I’ve found a new favorite. Pearl and I were looking at a display of Christmas music, one of those ones that you can listen to samples of the music.We listened to samples of Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Nat King Cole.Then I jokingly pushed the button for The Cheetah Girls and it did not disappoint. This song came on and I could not believe my ears. This has got to be one of the stupidest songs I’ve ever heard. I thank God it’s very short or I would have laughed myself into a heart attack. Who writes this stuff? It’s another classic from the Disney teeny bopper music machine.The same people that brought you such classic artists as Miley Cyrus or is it Hannah Montana? I can’t tell one from the other.{ I know they’re the same person} I guess I’m not the target audience for this music. Last time I checked I wasn’t a twelve year old girl. I bet Jeanie loves this though!